Thursday Thirteen, Ya'll

I am a southerner. I eat grits. I listen to country music (sometimes). I call all sodas coke. I say ya'll and over yonder. I put my groceries in a buggy. My more rural relatives have been known to yell, " Those chaps better not be gettin mud all over the porch." That means that the children should take their muddy shoes off in the yard. I say dadgummit when I'm aggravated. I even made up my own southern cuss...are you ready? "What in the hem haw hay???" I know it is catchy. Feel free to make it your own. I am telling you, before long you'll be hearing it everywhere. I have gotten alcoholic beverages at a beer barn. I am worldly, ya'll.
Everyday I get the pleasure of hearing southerners speak. Actually every time I open my mouth, which is rather frequent, I get that pleasure. I am an expert, a connoisseur you might say, of the southern accent. The problem is, I almost never hear a good one in a movie. Actually, I can't stand to watch most southern movies because they are so over done and ridiculous. I can only think of one actress that does a good southern accent off the top of my head, and that is Reese Witherspoon. I really like her. And she is a southerner, which is probably why she is good at it. But that doesn't mean that all southerners are. I mean take Julia Roberts, she is a southerner. But have you heard her in Steel Magnolias? Oh my Word. I think that one needs to be on my list. So today I give you...

Thirteen Movies With Bad Southern Accents

1. Steel Magnolias - This is a good movie. I like it. I will even admit that one of the most over the top accents in the movie is real. That is actually how Dolly Parton talks. I think it is an Appalachian, Tennessee thing. But the rest of the accents in this movie? Just too over the top.
2. A Time To Kill - This movie has Mathew McCaughnehey sounding like a drunk plantation landowner from the 1800s. Come to think of that , the movie is supposedly set in the early 90s in Mississippi, but these people don't have AC. Uh guys, Pretty much 99% of everybody in Mississippi has had AC since the early 80s. And attorneys? Yeah, they can even afford AC here.
3. The Dukes of Hazard - Jessica Simpson was not only an insult to the memory of Daisy Duke, but also the worst southern accent that I have ever heard.
4. Con Air - Nicholas Cage should never do a southern accent again. Never ever. It was just bad.
5. The Green Mile - The actor who played Percy should have been the one who was put in the electric chair. I mean, come on.
6. My Cousin Vinny - Everyone in the southern town that they end up in. I am not sure if the New York accents were bad or not. Anybody know?
7. Forrest Gump - Again, I like the movie. The overdone accents just distract me. I look at Sally Field and Tom Hanks, both whom I love, and I yell, " Why?!? How could you do this to me?? I love you!"
8. The Devil's Advocate - Keanu Reeves doesn't do any accent well. He really doesn't. He should just talk in his strange monotone way and leave it at that.
9. Gone With The Wind - Vivian Leigh kills me in this. Now, I will give you that I have never heard Civil War era Southerners speak...but please God, tell me it wasn't this annoying.
10. All The Kings Men - I am not sure what was going on here. I couldn't even understand what Sean Penn was saying. The sad part of that is that he probably did the best southern accent in this movie.
11. Mississippi Burning - I know this movie was filmed here in Mississippi. Don't you think that the actors could have just stood on the street for a minute and listened to the people talk? I mean would that be so hard?
12. Hannibal - Julianne Moore = Clarice with bad bad southern accent. Please give us Jodie Foster! Please!
13. The Prince of Tides - Nick Nolte does a really bad southern acccent in this. I do understand that there are different accents all over the south...but please tell me none sound like this...