I tried for three years before I got pregnant with Super Z. I would cry every single time a pregnancy test came back negative. I would panic inside every time that I heard someone else had gotten pregnant. I remember thinking that it would never happen for me. I was doomed to live my life without the one thing that I wanted most. I would lie in bed at night and cry about this. It was the most depressing time of my life. Finding out that I was pregnant with Super Z was the greatest moment ever. It was Mother's Day and I was elated.
After Z, I wanted to have more children in the vague kind of way that I want to save for retirement. I knew I wanted to do it, I just didn't want to take the time to work out the logistics of it and it certainly wasn't anything that I NEEDED TO DO RIGHT THAT SECOND. It was really more of an idea than a want. To be honest, I never put much thought into it. I just knew that two would be a lot more expensive than one. I figured that one day I would decide that it was time and that would be that.
Fortunately, I never had to get around to making up my mind. I never even had to decide to want a second child. I just woke up one morning and knew that she was on her way. One of the most shameful moments of my life was the hour after the pregnancy tests verified the impeding arrival of Princess H. I cried and cussed like a sailor. I just knew that we would never be able to make it work. I wondered how this unwanted child would fare in a world with her much longed for older brother.
Like I said, I am very ashamed of that hour. I am glad to tell you that Princess H was welcomed with just as much love and excitement as Super Z was. She is a blessing in every way. Sure, things got a little tighter when she came. Adjustments had to be made. But that glowing little person makes every struggle worth while.
So now I find myself in a new and uncharted territory. I have two children and one step son. I have years of birthdays and holidays and college tuition payments to go. Some days it is a struggle to keep it all afloat. I understand that we have enough. Our family has reached maximum capacity, heck even our car has reached maximum capacity.
My head knows all of these things...but some rogue part of me that has nothing to do with my logical head has decided that it wants another baby. I know! What the crap!? I didn't even WANT a second baby...but now I WANT a third? Don't get me wrong, I am not planning to have another baby at all. It is just that I am yearning for one again. It is not quite the yearning that I experienced in the pre Z days, but it is yearning nonetheless. I have pretty much decided that I have lost my mind. Maybe it is just the idea that I will never have another baby that makes me yearn for it? Who knows? All I know is that it is crazy.
And here is the crazier part. When I really think about it I know that if money weren't an issue, I'd be trying right now. If I could afford a bigger car, more diapers, and the like there would be no hesitation at all. It is frustrating to me the extent to which money controls our lives. Money makes the decisions and lays down the rules. It is almost fruitless to try to over rule money. I hate money.
So there you go, I am crazy and poor. I am ruled by money. I am confused by my own wants. I am Serina.