Tuesday, September 11, 2007

Baby Wants

I tried for three years before I got pregnant with Super Z. I would cry every single time a pregnancy test came back negative. I would panic inside every time that I heard someone else had gotten pregnant. I remember thinking that it would never happen for me. I was doomed to live my life without the one thing that I wanted most. I would lie in bed at night and cry about this. It was the most depressing time of my life. Finding out that I was pregnant with Super Z was the greatest moment ever. It was Mother's Day and I was elated.
After Z, I wanted to have more children in the vague kind of way that I want to save for retirement. I knew I wanted to do it, I just didn't want to take the time to work out the logistics of it and it certainly wasn't anything that I NEEDED TO DO RIGHT THAT SECOND. It was really more of an idea than a want. To be honest, I never put much thought into it. I just knew that two would be a lot more expensive than one. I figured that one day I would decide that it was time and that would be that.
Fortunately, I never had to get around to making up my mind. I never even had to decide to want a second child. I just woke up one morning and knew that she was on her way. One of the most shameful moments of my life was the hour after the pregnancy tests verified the impeding arrival of Princess H. I cried and cussed like a sailor. I just knew that we would never be able to make it work. I wondered how this unwanted child would fare in a world with her much longed for older brother.
Like I said, I am very ashamed of that hour. I am glad to tell you that Princess H was welcomed with just as much love and excitement as Super Z was. She is a blessing in every way. Sure, things got a little tighter when she came. Adjustments had to be made. But that glowing little person makes every struggle worth while.
So now I find myself in a new and uncharted territory. I have two children and one step son. I have years of birthdays and holidays and college tuition payments to go. Some days it is a struggle to keep it all afloat. I understand that we have enough. Our family has reached maximum capacity, heck even our car has reached maximum capacity.
My head knows all of these things...but some rogue part of me that has nothing to do with my logical head has decided that it wants another baby. I know! What the crap!? I didn't even WANT a second baby...but now I WANT a third? Don't get me wrong, I am not planning to have another baby at all. It is just that I am yearning for one again. It is not quite the yearning that I experienced in the pre Z days, but it is yearning nonetheless. I have pretty much decided that I have lost my mind. Maybe it is just the idea that I will never have another baby that makes me yearn for it? Who knows? All I know is that it is crazy.
And here is the crazier part. When I really think about it I know that if money weren't an issue, I'd be trying right now. If I could afford a bigger car, more diapers, and the like there would be no hesitation at all. It is frustrating to me the extent to which money controls our lives. Money makes the decisions and lays down the rules. It is almost fruitless to try to over rule money. I hate money.
So there you go, I am crazy and poor. I am ruled by money. I am confused by my own wants. I am Serina.

15 comments:

CakeHead said...

Awww, well, count me in the crazy camp. I don't even have a significant other to speak of and I want another baby, too. Umm, yeah, so how's that going to happen? I don't think it's crazy that you are thinking of another at all.

lisa's chaos said...

I was raised an only child. My mom said she never felt she could afford another. I hated being the only, always longed for a brother or a sis.

I went in to having my kids deciding that things would work out. I wanted 3 kids, ended up with 4 and there have been times it has been hard but they've always had food and clothes, etc. Although one fall I did have to take on a part-time job in addition to my full-time to pay for school supplies. I spent most of their lives a stay-at-home mom but I spent 4 years a single hardworking mom. In that time I bought a house alone too. :)

Anyway, I'm just saying, I never let the money control it. My kids didn't always have designer clothes but they were clean. I just made it work. It can be done, but it was hard and looking back I at times wish I had stopped at two, those two would have had more "things" than I could afford for four.

Sorry to ramble.

Amanda said...

Money...*sigh* I always say it is the root of many happy days. Its an awful thing to say but I think that it really is the deciding factor on so many thing sin so many people's lives. Indirectly...it influences people's happiness. I'm not saying that people with little money are unhappy but instead...Money will make anybody happy...therefore it is the root.

Am I confusing you?

Anyway, the key is to find other things to make us happy. If it is an additional child that will make it tight on the money side...the happiness from the baby will in the end make it worthwhile.

Becky Jane said...

I know how you feel. I planned out both of my two. Tried & tried & tried & was overjoyed. Sometimes, I think....this family is just not quite complete. (Maybe we need a girl - ha ha). But, then I think-how will I do that? I suppose I worry more about the time than the money. Although another round of formula and diapers is crazy scary. But, how will I manage to make time with another baby for the two boys that are already here.

In short, I'm crazy too.

Dana said...

I cried and cussed with my third one too and I still go through that "I want to be pregnant. I want another baby stage" every couple of years. Lucky for me the Good Lord has decided that I have punished society enough.

Blue Momma said...

"So there you go, I am crazy and poor. I am ruled by money. I am confused by my own wants. I am Serina."

I don't think so. I think you are ME!!! But I'm only wishing for a second, though if twins came along I wouldn't complain.

Of course they'd have to sleep in the same room, wear the same clothes (at the same time) and get free lunch at school

Damn, I still want it though....

Jackie said...

I so know how you feel. I think if we weren't "poor" I would want a couple more. I have these thoughts and then I remember all the hard work and I tell myself "you must be flipping crazy!" The longing is there, nonetheless. But we're done.

Jean-Luc Picard said...

What a shame that your wants are decided by other things.

Oh, The Joys said...

Money is a drag, it's true.

The way our heart expands and expands is amazing though.

Cathy said...

I know exactly what you mean.

Candace said...

if i waited for money, i'd never be married with two kids!!! sounds cheezy, but everything really does work out, whatever way it goes. I dreaded the birth of my second child and now I can't be away from him for a second. And sounds like you have a lot of love to give!
btw, the bathtub shot at cre8abuzz is awesome!

Mom Chatter said...

Money does put a damper on everything, but it shouldn't be the deciding factor. As previous posters said, it can be done... adjustments can be made. Somehow, my parents managed to raise 11 children on one income. We always had food in our bellies, a roof over our head, and clothes on our back. I must say... looking back now, I realize we didn't have a lot, but overall we were happy. ...AND isn't that what's important overall?! :)

VDog said...

Me likey the babies too...ah, babies.

CdS said...

I'm sorry that money seems to be the deciding factor in alot of the things you want to do. Or, rather lack of enough. I agree with the person who says that the happiness that would come with a new baby would be worth any struggle, but I know you don't want to do that -- at least right now. I think you will have another baby. Don't focus on the "I can't" of the "now." Just think -- it's something you can plan and prepare for and look forward to. Everything you're worrying about will work itself out, I do believe.

Sleeping Beauty said...

You will never have enough money, a big enough car, or a big enough house. If you are yearning for another baby, go for it, dont waste time. You will work out the other things later, lol. I have 3 kids all under the age of 4. My youngest is only 7 months old, and I already want another! I love babies sooooooo much!!! I have soo much love to give, how can I not have another?? LOL. One thing I am holding back on for now, is..... I want to finish school. Something, I should of been done with long, long ago. ;)