20 Thoughts the Day Before I Turn 40

1. I used to think it was so odd when I was at other people's houses and they had chips as a side dish or cereal for dinner. In retrospect, I know this means that my mom was consistently knocking dinner out of the park in a way that defies logic. Way to go, Mama. 

2. I have come to the realization that there is no magic age that means you have grown up, and will therefore want to wake up early and be good at cleaning house and organizing cabinets. 

3. I've decided that's okay. 

4. Time goes by way too quickly. As you get older moments get shorter. Some are way too short. But with that said, being trapped in a car with a screaming toddler can bring time to a stop. 

5. Most relationships are temporary. It's hard to know that when you are in them.That doesn't make them less important. Everyone shapes you in some way. Everyone is valuable. 

6. I'm not a very likable person. Which is crazy, because I'm one of the coolest people I know. 😂 I've decided I'm just hard to get to know. And that doesn't really bother me anymore. 

7. I'm probably never going to write a book. I work a lot, doing a job I never would have planned to do. And when I'm not working, it's all about my family. That's what matters to me. 

8. The most important things about life are the moments you spend with people you love. 

9. My faith, the size of a mustard seed, was always enough. And so important. 

10. People who read more tend to be more open minded. They figure out there is more than one way to think about something. 

11. I never liked people touching me. And yet, I live in fear of the day these kids don't want to crawl all over me anymore. 

11. Working out regularly makes you feel better. It hurts at the time, but it's really worth it. 

12. Being mad at someone serves no purpose. It doesn't change anything and it just makes you unhappy. I don't have enough time to be unhappy. 

13. Sometimes, losing pieces of someone is just as hard as losing all of them. 

14. The older you get the more people you miss. But you also get more new people. 

15. I feel about 28. I don't ever feel any older. Only my body does. I hope to one day be 28 in a 90 year old body. 

16. Some days you need to just eat stuff you like. Really, it's okay. 

17. I've never cared a lot about what other people thought of me. Well, since I became a mom anyway. I care less every year. Unless I love those people, then I care SO much. 

18. Randy looks the same to me as he always has. He's super handsome and apparently never ages. I think I'll feel the same way when he's an old man. 

19. The days you remember best are the days when you slow down. You don't have to take over the world. Really, it's okay. 

20. I feel much more emotional about this whole turning 40 thing than I would have ever thought possible. It hit me like a train yesterday. But mostly it's good emotion. 

Baby Syd

My Dad

This summer my Daddy had a stroke. Just writing that seems wrong. Something as big as that couldn't possibly happen to me. Things might get scary, but they always work out for the best. Right? I guess this did too, because I still have my dad. But I lost some of him too, and I can't seem to get over that. I feel like the most selfish person in the world when I talk about this. I guess that's okay though. Don't we all care about our own people the most? I guess that's what makes them our people. 

Dad has aphasia and he can't express himself. He can answer questions and he will say some things, but conversation is hard for him and he isn't able to express his emotions. He can't call me and just chat. He isn't able to be silly, which is a big part of who my dad is. He does laugh though, and I love that. 

I miss talking to my dad. No, I miss my dad talking to me. It's a thing I never even considered losing. Aren't those the things that knock the wind out of you the worst? 

Happy Birthday, Zane!

Dear Zane,

I cannot believe that you are 11 years old today! These eleven years have flown by for me. I guess time really does fly when you are having fun. 

I want to start by telling you how proud I am to be your mom. You are everything that I ever dreamed of in a son! You are full of life, you are a unique thinker, and you love with your whole heart. No one will ever have to wonder what you are feeling. You are brave enough to put everything out there in the world. I love the way you care so much about everyone. You value your friends and family and that is a priceless thing. Your mind also is amazing. I am often astounded that one little brain can think so many things. You are perfect to me and you always will be. 

I also wanted to thank you for what you have done for me. Eleven years ago you changed my whole life, you even changed who I am! You are the one who took plain old Serina and made her into Mama. That is without a doubt the very best thing that has ever happened to me.  When I became your mom, I became a better person. I became stronger, I fought harder, I got inspired. I used to be afraid to talk to people I didn't know. Can you imagine that? I took chances after you were born because I wanted your life to be better. Those chances led to my career. I went back to school after I became a mom because as your mother, I want you to know to never give up. You opened my heart in a way that you may never understand because your heart had always been wide open to everyone. I am forever in debt to you for these things. Becoming a mom eleven years ago reshaped my whole world and I am so thankful to you for that.

I love you so much, Money. So much. I hope that you have a terrific birthday. 

Love, 

Mama

My Surprise Baby Part 1

 

I had said for many years that I would decide when I was 35 whether or not to have a third child. 35 came in September of 2011 and I decided that my family was complete. Less that a year later, in July of 2012, I found out that sometimes life brings you surprises. What surprised me most of all, was the fact that I was thrilled by the news.
The pregnancy progressed pretty well for seven months despite the fact that I was 36 and overweight. I even took a new job and continued working towards my Master's Degree.
In January my blood pressure started going up and becoming harder to control. I was ordered to monitor my blood pressure throughout the day. On January 16, they admitted me to the hospital because it had crept up to dangerous levels.
I ended up being in the hospital for nine days. During that time, it was decided that they would have to deliver the baby early. They planned the c-section for the morning of January 25. Those days in the hospital were hard on the whole family. We were scared to death of the condition that the baby would be in. She would only be 33 weeks and 6 days gestation when she was delivered. We were scared of what would happen if she wasn't delivered. The bigger kids missed their mom.
When Sydney was delivered at 8:59AM on January 25, she weighed 5 lbs and 2 oz. She was 18 inches long. Although she was a good size for her gestational age, she was not able to regulate her own temperature and her breathing was a bit erratic. They sent her to the NICU almost immediately.
As soon as I got to the recovery room they told me that I could call the NICU to check on the baby. I must have called 50 times in the hour that I spent in the recovery room. I can't even describe how I felt. I have never been so worried in my life.
After I got to the room, they told me that they would allow me to go to the NICU to see her as soon as I could walk. I was out of bed walking within the hour. If I felt pain, I didn't notice it. All I wanted in the world was to see that baby.
Something I had never considered before my experience, was how it felt to be a new mother with a baby in the NICU. It had just never occurred to me how much it must hurt to not be able to hold your baby or have them in your room. Even the simplest things like showing the baby to friends and introducing her to siblings weren't possible. The children were not allowed to even go into the NICU.
For the three nights I was in the hospital after she was born all I did was pump every two hours, visit the baby at least every three hours for feeding, and cry. If I heard another baby cry in the hall I would cry. When I would leave her to come back to my room, I would cry. When I would wake up and realize that I had slept more than two hours and I didn't even know if she was sleeping or awake, I would cry.
The worst part, was knowing that I was going to have to leave the hospital without her on Monday morning. When the social worker came in and told me that they expected for her to be in NICU for two weeks, I cried like a baby...more than my baby, because all she was capable of was sleeping. I kind of felt sorry for the poor social worker...it was almost like she didn't encounter sobbing mothers daily.
When Randy and I left the hospital on Monday, we went by the NICU and told them that we would be back later that afternoon. Walking across the breezeway, getting in that car, and driving home without my baby physically hurt me. I can't even explain it. Some of the emotions that I felt during that time, I don't even have words for. Hurt, worry, fear, heartbreak...they don't cover it. I had no idea how I would make it through the next two weeks without losing my mind.

......To be continued....

Blessed

I have been feeling pretty blessed today. I have the best family, a great job, the opportunity to be working towards a Master's Degree...at no cost to myself. I love so many people and I am loved in return. I am so grateful for this life that I have. I wouldn't change a thing.

The New Princess

On January 25, 2013 Princess S joined our family six weeks earlier than expected. The six months since that have been a whirlwind. We are a bigger, busier, and closer family than we have ever been before. All of my home minutes are filled with love and all of the challenges that you would expect for a mom of three. I wouldn't change a thing.

Busy Time

I feel like we have an awfully lot going on right now. I mean, I usually feel like that these years, but when I got the text message tonight that rec soccer practice starts tomorrow night I had me a little micro panic attack. Don't get me wrong, I love that we have full busy lives. I want my kids to be involved. I want to get my Masters Degree. I want to excursive on a daily basis. I want to have birthday parties and go out and about. I guess sometimes I just worry that when I look back on this time in our lives it is all going to be a big blur. My plan to battle the blur is to make a few rules and stick to them. These are rules to ensure a little family togetherness in this time of crazy busy. Rules #1 All meals eaten in the house will involve all members of the family sitting down at the table together to eat. #2 My homework time will start at 9PM and last until 10:30 PM on week nights. Only things not completed in that time will be done on weekends. #3 I will walk during all sports practices. Two birds one stone...less time. #4 We will take at least one family outing to the park each week. #5 We will read a book as a family every night for the 15-20 minutes before bed. Super Z wants to start with The Hobbit.

Through the Eyes Of Stoosh

http://writeonedge.com/2012/01/remembered-personification/ I saw this challenge on a new friends blog. You are supposed to write a short article from the perspective of an object. What you see below is from the point of view of the best pillow ever, Stoosh.

I have to be honest. By the time she came along I had spent years in the top of that guest closet. I had pretty much decided that I was at the end of my road. I had begun to forget my previous life. That small closet and the comfort of the hand made quilts that surrounded me were all I knew. I ensured the faded yellow quilt that I was not sad. I had had a good life.
Then in 1989 the Girl showed up for a sleep over. She and her little sister were the daughters of the Man's new girlfriend. I will never forget that night. As soon as she put her frizzy brown head
(She had not yet learned about not running brushes through her curly hair after it was dry) on me, I was in love. She told her sister that I was the most comfortable pillow ever.
The next morning she asked the Man if she could have me. And he said YES!
I have been with the Girl since. I was there when her mom married the Man and she moved out into the country. I was there when she lay in the bed with her sister talking about how scared she was to ride a new bus to school on the first day of eighth grade. It wasn't fair that the girls had to ride two different buses. Their whole lives they had ridden to school with the same people. I was there in high school to absorb her tears when she cried over the boys. I went with her to Mississippi State in August of 1995. And every single time she came home, I was there with her.
I was there in 1996 when they brought her new niece home from the hospital. Her mom gave her a hard time about laying that pretty baby on me in her lap. She thought I was dirty. The Girl just laughed and said that I would be there in the bed at the hospital when her babies were born. Her mom just shook her head.
I was there the first time the Boyfriend spent the night in 1998. Looking back I can't believe that they both slept in that twin size bed. Even more impressive was that she shared me with him. She had never let anyone else lay their head on me (other than her sweet baby niece) at night in the nine years we had been together. I remember how happy the Girl was. I remember when he became the Husband the very next year. I was glad that he would be with us forever. Most nights, I spend pressed against the side of his face. I have always appreciated the fact that he doesn't seem to mind me being there.
I remember when the Girl ran in screaming and crying and laughing and jumped on the bed to tell the Husband that she was pregnant. I am here to tell you that if not for me, she would not have slept a wink in the 18 month she has spent pregnant. As the girl had predicted, I was there at the hospital when she had her babies. Her mom made sure that I had three layers of clean pillow cases even though the Girl washed me three times before taking me to the hospital.
Some of my favorite memories are of the girl laying those sweet babies on me while she fed them and held them close. I also loved when the Boy got older and he would ask to sleep on me. The Girl would often let me comfort him to sleep when he was sick. Just this morning the boy and his Sister  crawled in bed with their mom to snuggle. They lay there and told her they loved her while I cradled the boys head (It is not as curly as it used to be. I think he may be growing up on us) and the little Girl ran my pillow case through her fingers. 
I have been with the girl for 23 years. Sometimes that is hard to believe. We have only spent a handful of nights apart. A few times I have spent the night with the Husband, the Boy, and the Little Girl because the Girl had to go somewhere on an airplane. I have also spent two nights in an overnight shipping box because the Girl accidentally forgot me at her Mom's. Even though the mom insists she doesn't like me, she always gets me back to her Girl as quickly as possible.
Twenty three years...wow. It really does seem like just yesterday that I was in the top of that closet telling the faded handmade quilt how good my life had been.

Cookie Rally

Princess H had a big time at her first Cookie Rally for Girl Scouts last night. She was apparently appropriately indoctrinated. She woke me up this morning by jumping on my bed and declaring, "Mom! The cookie sale starts today! We need to get started! Let's go!"
I told her to calm down. We have a couple of weeks to sell. She looked at me like I was insane."Mom. The Girl Scout OWNER told me that it starts today and YOU have to listen to the owner."
Who can argue with the owner?